letter to depression

dear depression,

i never got to know you. i slipped past you without a touch, but i will never forget that rancid smell. i passed you by with just an echo of anxiety, and i ran hard. i ran fast and i ran ran ran away.

i dare to look backwards and there’s no sign of you. are you lurking someplace, hidden from view? no, i can hear someone else behind me, also running. you must be chasing them now. i know i’m safe from you. i have a running partner too, and she’ll keep me running in the right direction.

noah

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hey.you.

hey

you there
captain depressed, mistress misery
you’re not so special

your sister is the same
your neighbour is the same
your doctor is the same
your congressbitch is the same

we just have different liquor
we just have different muse
we just have different time
we just have different blades

my tonic is yours
my pill is yours
my writing is yours
my drowning is yours

we’re not so special
reverend nightmare, secretary of distate
you there

hey

urquell

Five a.m.
First Urquell
Already instead of
Snoozebutton
Call in late/sick/excuse/
Hide someplace for the rest
of the day.

Eight a.m.
Fifth Urquell
Already buzzing but there’s no
Snoozebutton
I am anguished/fearful/weak/
Run someplace for the rest
of the week.

Eleven a.m.
Tenth Urquell
Already crying and ready for a
Snoozebutton
To shake/wake/tear/
Myself someplace for the rest
of the rest.

once i wailed

during the most vacuumous days of my depression, the eels would form gangs and circle; taunting me, then would bite my trembling hands.  my faithful grip would fail me.  my vision would become blinkered, and time would creak to a two-thirds pace.  curling like a ravenous child, i would wail; feebly attempting to bear the brunt of a cyclonic fear.  it’s beating and it’s battering and it’s breaking  pervasiveness would force itself over and down and into me.

shrilling please, please stop!
pleading please, please stop!
crying please, just please.
please. stay away.

hot murky brown

my head would throb
(incessant)
o’ but to drown in the hot, murky, brown

here’s where you close your eyes, and
your head snaps, back, and your senses snap, back
and you’re thrust, you thrust
back, and
(suddenly)
you’ve snapped, back, and you’re
thrust, forward, and life’
s in fast, forward, and
(suddenly)
you’re half, way, there, and
you’ve no, way, back, and
you’re drowned,
(shout, aloud)
in the hot, murky, brown

o’ but they smirk
(and you smirk)
for the rich, and the safe, and you
drown in the hot, murky, brown

Insuccinct crisis

Ba‘al Zebûb rubbing against my soul skin
My mind’s eye plays tricks on my heart
Eyes closed and grey clock ticking
Breath laboured and deliberate

Dead calm

Fingers shake and trembling still
Fluttering brings a pressured smile
Self talk hope and reason tempers
Shiver stabbing sudden reversal

Welcome sleep

Compose my song with the morning
Reflection and time is my nectar
Passed solicitude is learned
Stronger but decay will not zero